First Brazilian Wax

So.... I'm sitting at my computer in mild discomfort. Today's first was not really a pleasant experience. I finally got up the nerve to get my first ever Brazilian Bikini Wax! For those who aren't familiar with this tortuous spa treatment, I shall explain. It is a method of removing all of that unsightly hair from your bikini region. My friend Abby (sorry Abby, I'm blogging about your crotch....) was the first to tell me about it. She claimed to love the baby smooth skin in her netheregions that came as a result of having all her hair waxed off. I started looking into this process at the beginning of this summer. "Maybe it would be the perfect thing to do before we go to the beach?" So, in true Denise First Timer fashion I began to research. I found that a Brazilian wax is not cheap. The average cost is $60.00. This is more than I spend shaving for sure. I mean, even with buying the expensive razors that I do and changing the blade often, this hair pulling spa treatment was going to get expensive if it became a habit. I also had some misgivings about walking in a spreading my legs for some beauty school dropout and saying, "Let it rip Mitzy!" And of course... last but no least of my concerns... the PAIN! I am not a fan of pain. The phrase "no pain, no gain" has been source of scourn for my whole life. Apparently, when you get Brazilian waxed, they don't just take off a little hair from the sides... they take everything (with an option of leaving a "landing strip" on top) The hair from your lips (vulva, labia majora, vertical smile.. whatever, you know what i mean), between your butt cheeks and everything in between. Surely to goddess this has to hurt? Recently, however, I got brave and decided to take the plunge and just give it a shot. I began researching Brazilian Bikini waxers on the internet. Now, not so surprisingly, there are not hundreds of them to choose from in Tulsa. Most people in the bible belt like to keep their private parts covered with as many layers of clothing, hair and prayer cloths as they can. I did, however, find several to choose from. The thing is... how do you choose a good Brazilian waxer? I found some good websites but since it wasn't a webpage designer I was going to entrust my precious parts to, I didn't think this was the best way to choose.... but really what choice did I have? So my first choice was a beautiful black webpage layout with pretty pink flowers floating on it. Seemed fitting... pink flowers... feminine, sexy, soft... definately no pain implied. I called and emailed this establishment several times before I got in touch with someone. Finally they told me they were booked for weeks. This is a problem. In my research I have found that you need to grow you hair out to at least a quarter of an inch before it can be waxed... other places advised a half inch. Since reading this tidbit I had been growing out my hair. I now boasted what I affectionately called my "hippy twat." It would have fit in nicely on the set of "Taking Woodstock," but I didnt' think I should keep growing it for 3 more weeks.... I'd soon have to braid it to keep in manageable. After perusing a few more websites I finally settled on a second choice and made the phone call. I left a message that I was a first time Brazilian bikini customer and was looking for someoen who had an appointment the following week. (I am not sure why I felt I needed to confess that I had never been waxed before.... some sort of First timer confession I guess) She friendly waxer soon called me back. Her name was Emily and she had an opening that would fit my schedule. Quickly, however, we deduced that her credit card machine was not yet set up in her new place of business so I would have to pay cash. Well, i didn't have cash for waxing my va-jay-jay. So I hung up with Emily and began searching again. Within a few minutes, however, Emily called me back. She was so concerned that I would go to a "bad waxer" that she decided to use her boyfriend's record store card reader ( located right next door to her waxing business). I was glad that she called me back but more concerned than ever... what would happen if a bad waxer got ahold of me? hmmm.... more research... apparently New Jersey is trying to ban bikini waxing because it is dangerous...blah blah blah - i didn't want to know the rest. I was determined to go through with this! As my appointment drew nearer many of my friend looked at me in horror when I told them what I was scheduled to experience at 5:00 on Tuesday.... finally the day arrived. Today.
I arrived early to my appointment. Emily said that was no problem and she quickly prepared the room. When she called me back she pointed out the wipes, with which I was to clean myself, and the oil for helping remove leftover wax after she was done. She then left the room. I was to take off my clothes from the waist down and sit on a small hand towel on the bed. I covered my top region, between my hips, with another small hand towel. This really was pointless though, because, of course, when she came back in she just moved that little towel right out of the way. I guess I expected for her to give me a pep talk or say something like...."OK, are you ready? count to 3" but no. She just started slathering me in wax, pressing the cotton strips to the hair and RIIIIPPPPP! off comes the hair! She had me keep one leg straight and the other one bent up to my right side. With no hesitation, her gloved fingers expertly moved all my sensitive parts (labia minora, inner lips, pouty puss.... whatever)out of the way and commenced to RIIIIPPPPing out more hair. We carried on normal conversation with me asking mundane questions like, "So how old are you children?" while trying not to look too panicked. Before I knew it she had finished with the front and said, "OK, flip over and put your butt in the air and lean on your elbows." So, like a waxing pro, i flipped right over and then wondered if it was appropriate to keep talking to her with my ass in her face...but she didn't seem to mind so we shopped tips of shopping, parenting and hair salons. 15 minutes after we started, I was done. Emily smeared antibiotic/antiseptic jelly over all the affected areas and left me to get dressed in private... which really, why bother at this point?
On a pain scale of 1 to 10, 1 being a papercut, 5 being a tattoo and ten being chilbirth, I would probably rate the Brazilian Bikini Wax a 2.5. It really wasn't too bad. And, since I'm not all that modest and have birthed three children... the embrassment factor was minimal. I cringed a little when I let her charge my credit card $60.00 but only time will tell if it was worth it.... I will see Emily again in about 4 weeks if I decide to do the follow up visit. I will post comment/updats over the next four weeks to let you know how things are "growing."
-Nisi, First Time Brazilian Waxee